Love After Divorce Lecture

Dr. Miller-Ott's lecture was an enjoyable experience- I liked that she was interactive with the audience and gave us little "quizzes" to keep us engaged with the talk. Her research was also quite interesting, because I don't think many researchers are thinking about divorce and the dynamics of seeking a new relationship after divorce. It brings a whole new kind of struggle to dating, with this heightened "baggage" that people believe they have after divorcing. Divorce is a strenuous, taxing experience that takes a long time and makes the dissolution of a relationship ten times more difficult- how do you recover from that, and how do you make yourself available once again? How do you open up and share your struggles without looking as if you are seeking pity? Especially with children?

When I heard about the research with the children from divorce who just wanted to be involved in the process of the parent being with someone new, I thought that made a lot of sense. Especially when you are younger, you want to be involved in your parents' lives and being kept out of a new relationship is bad. It leaves the child with the impression that they are being replaced, in the name of "protection". Children are also people, and at some point need to be exposed to reality just like anyone else. Having them somewhat involved, at least knowing what is going on, is a good idea. I don't know any of this first hand, but hearing Dr. Miller-Ott's talk, I felt as if I did. Her interviews provide knowledge that any of us can take something away from, even if some did not have personal experience with divorce.

I felt very connected to the talk, even though I did not have a personal connection. Divorce is a topic that isn't often discussed in a general sense, because most people want to push it under the rug. Admitting that your legal union to someone has failed makes it seem so much more epic than a breakup with no legal ramifications- a breakup that both people really have to want because it is hard work to make it happen. It is something no one wants to go through and makes me think twice about marriage sometimes- what if I change my mind? What if I spend years and years with someone and discover one day that I never really knew them? The sheer randomness of the world makes it hard to make decisions about relationships, especially romantic (and legal) ones. Marriage as a legal construct and marriage as a romantic construct- can they work together when the romance fails? Seems like the divorce rate gives us that answer.